Thursday, 22 December 2011

Christmas specials that never were

When I was a kid, my favourite part of Christmas, other than the presents, was the Christmas specials on TV, especially the comedies. I remember the days (I feel like I should be stroking my beard and looking wise whilst writing this) when, after Christmas dinner, you would sit down to the My Family Christmas special, followed by The Vicar of Dibley Christmas special, then Only Fools and Horses. Those were the good days (another stroke of the beard*). These days, there are no decent comedies on TV on Christmas Day-the only thing I'm looking forward to is the Ab Fab comeback, and I've a feeling that will be bitterly disappointing. Combine that with the doom and gloom of Walford, Weatherfield and the like, and we might as well give up any hope of Christmas cheer right now.

So, I've come up with my own Christmas specials of pre-existing shows, featuring characters past and present. Some of the shows have done Christmas specials in the past, while others haven't. Enjoy


Rachel organises the Santa's Grotto at work, but her Santa drops out last minute so she needs a replacement. Joey steps in, but due to eating Monica's turkey on Christmas Eve, Joey falls asleep and nearly misses Christmas, so Chandler has to step in as Santa, during which time he inadvertently makes some inappropriate comments towards children and nearly gets arrested.

Phoebe tries to cover for Joey by buying a new turkey, replacing it in Monica's fridge where the old one was...but leaves the feathers on.

Rachel and Ross go on a break, during which time Ross remarries.

Waterloo Road

Some major disaster in Rochdale (Janeece's left boob exploding, perhaps?) results in the school hall being used as a shelter for the rough and ready residents. Ruby's elaborate 12-course Christmas dinner is used as ammo in a food fight between two rival estate gangs.

Rachel, the ex-headmistress, turns up in a Sexy Santa outfit, touting for business (turns out it didn't work out with the chef, so she's back to old tricks.)

Ronan Burlely flogs a load of dodgy Christmas crackers, which turn out to have real explosives in.

For the first time, we see footage of Grantly Budgen smiling. Oh, sorry, false alarm, it was just gas from one too many mince pies.

Desperate Housewives

Santa's sleigh crashes into Wisteria Lane on Christmas Eve, leaving a trail of devastation in its wake (I'd be willing to wager that the idea came up in at least one production planning meeting). The reindeer cut loose and munch their way through Bree's roses. This, combined with Bree coming second to Susan in the Christmas cake competition, results in Bree having a minor heart attack and ending up in Fairview Memorial hospital.

People notice liquor beginning to go missing from their houses and blame Carlos (it's been a tough year), until it is revealed that it is in fact the ghost of Edie who is responsible.

Linette, naturally, is pregnant.

Gavin and Stacey

Nessa wins the X-Factor and shacks up with Simon Cowell, who makes a guest appearance for Christmas dinner at Gwen's (turkey omelette, of course). Her hit single "What's occuring" becomes No.1 in many middle and far-Eastern countries. Brin assumes role of her stage manager and refuses to let anyone speak to her unless they consult him first...until Christmas Day. Gavin and Stacey buy him am Iphone and he becomes so impressed with it and convinced that he can conduct his whole life via this one piece of technology that he refuses to leave the house for two whole weeks, until he realises that he cannot use the Iphone to clean the Picasso.

Pam indulges in some lip surgery, which goes wrong and results in her being known as 'Fat-lip-Pam'.

The Vicar of Dibley 

The Coca Cola truck gets lost on its tour of Britain and ends up in Dibley. Owen tries to seduce one of the Coca Cola tour girls. Hugo and Alice, neither having ever left Dibley, perceive the lorry to be some sort of giant cow and begin 'milking' it, to get Coca Cola to give to their children. The 'udder' turns out to be the petrol cap. That one doesn't end happily.

*For anyone who doesn't know me, I don't actually have a beard.

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